Who Stole The Salad Dressing?
by Wolfywoman
Summary: It's a remake of the classic, only this time with Clear's and EM's rp characters! Oh woe is the poor characters placed in such harsh terrain.


**Who Stole the Salad Dressing**  
By: Wolfywoman  
Disclaimer: The actual story 'Dark Doings at the Crossroads' is by a talented author known as Arthur L. Kraser. Phoenix, Seleste, and Jayden all thanks to Clear Shadow. Basically, I own naught but the shirt on my back. Anyways, on with the story.

Noire: Okay, so now we're going to be putting on the play known as, 'Dark Doings at Crossroads'-  
Bastor: 'Dark Doings'? Sounds kinky. grins  
Noire: smacks him Fine, we'll go by the second title, 'Who stole The Salad Dressing'. This is about-interrupted once again  
Bastor: Shh! Don't ruin it for them!  
Noire: You're SUCH an egg head!  
Bastor: There's a new one.  
Noire: ANYways smacks Bastor out of the way with frying pan larger than herself, due to the recievement of four scripts and the requirement to memorize all of them within three weeks max., Wolfywoman has decided to steal the idea of one of her friends and make a 'fic' out of the script.. Pause Wait, isn't a script already fictional?  
Sebastian: I think she mans 'Fan' fic, which is a fan written story based on it.  
Noire: But...shouldn't it be called a Fan Fictional fiction? I mean -  
Sebastian: Just get on with it.  
Noire: sighs, mutters about no one respecting her genius connections Anyways, it involves a hero, villain, father, woman of mystery and the daughter of the Father.  
Sebastian: Duh.  
Noire: Shut up you! The casting parts are as follows; Augustus Kerplunk: Phoenix, Laurinda Kerplunk: Jayden, Bartholomew Wow: Sebastian, Jack Dalton: Bastor, and the woman of mystery, Theodosia Tadpole played by Seleste. Enjoy the show.  
Sebastian: You Almost sounded like you meant that- curtain falls, the sound of much clobbering and yelling sounds before screen fades

It's dark out, and appears to be around seven or eight at night. The sun is just gently beginning to set on the horizon, and all the clouds are a beautiful colouring of reds and pinks, with blue higher up and a few stars starting to twinkle.  
Jayden and Phoenix stand outside a small plantation, with a ranch beside it containing a cow that doesn't seem to favour the idea of halting in it's constant mooing. Jayden has a blonde wig(much to the Seraphim's annoyance), and Phoenix has been forced to use a cane, even if he doesn't need one. (For looks, as Noire explained to him before the scene.)  
Jayden looks to the sun, watching it set with squinted violet eyes. "Ah, the day is done."  
"Done what?" Replies Phoenix with a cock of his head, managing to look completely baffled.  
Jayden sighs dreamily, replying, "The day is done! The sun has set, and having set, it sits." She pauses at the last word, looking confused for but a moment, but quickly resuming character as Phoenix replies.  
"And the moon, having risen...rizzes?" He looks off set a moment, before issuing a huge, dramatic sob, covering his face with his hands and continuing hysterically. Jayden winces at the sight, because she feels bad for him or her breaking ear drums is unknown. "Father, sob not. All swell that ends swell. All will be well in the end."  
Phoenix pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, dabbing at his eyes. "Which end?" Again he sounds baffled.  
Jayden goes over, laying a hand on his shoulder. This requires her to stand on tiptoe, teetering some as she does and uttering a very un-lady-like curse under her breath. Strained, she says in the most charming voice possible, albeit through clenched teeth, "Father, dear Father, we have been cast out of the old home, but soon you will sell your salad dressing for millions..." Phoenix pats her hand, letting the girl stand at her normal height as she pants, replying, "Ah, my daughter, all my life I have laboured to perfect that salad dressing, and now, now that it is perfect," he adopts a heroic look of joy, before it falters, mumbling, "Well, all except the texture and taste," He looks upset. "I cannot sell the darn thing." Phoenix looks about, before raising a curious eyebrow and looking to Jayden. "Where's Ma?" Loud snickering can be heard offset, presumably a handful of the others lounging about. Phoenix glares towards the laughter, before gesturing for Jayden to continue.  
"Father, you forget." Jayden comments, also casting a weary look from the corners of her eyes to the area, before regarding Phoenix again.  
"Yes, Laurinda, I remember now that I forgot. What did I forget?" He looks baffled, like before. "I don't remember."

Jayden tilts her head, biting her lip to keep from laughing. "Why, Father, you know Mother is in Europe."  
"Yes. yes I do. Hmm, Ma's in Europe...She's over there selling tractors..." Here he pauses, looking offset. "I refuse to say this." A glare, as Noire comes out. "Oh come on, it's one measly word."  
"I don't care. I'm not illiterate."  
"But you Used to be a farm boy!"  
"It's bad enough I'm saying Ma!"  
This fighting would have continued unless Jayden hadn't pointed out one very important fact. "All you have to do is change the damn word." They were so surprised at how vicious the short female looked they agreed to it, Noire scampering off and Phoenix re-starting his line, "Yes. yes I do. Hmm, Ma's in Europe...She's over there selling tractors, isn't she? And when..." he begins to sob again. "And when she comes back there will be no home for her. We have been ejected, kicked out..."  
Jayden looks annoyed again, hands on her waist in a very pissed off fashion. "Father, we have been turned out only because you are old and decrepit." Here a round of laughter sounded again from offstage, though Jayden continued as it died down. "It was only because that villain, Jack Dalton," She spat the name with as much menace as she could, getting a raised eyebrow from Phoenix even at how well she acted the part. "Was stronger than you. Many's a time I've told you to eat more onions! We have only until midnight to pay the mortgage on this old home. Oh, if only my sweetheart, the hero," her she says and draws out the name rather sexily, her hands clasped together under her chin as she stares dreamily off, "Bartholomew Wow, would come to me in my hour of need..."  
Phoenix growls at this, looking annoyed himself. "What about me? I'm here! I'm here, I say, shivering in the cold wintry blasts that blow."  
Jayden raises an eyebrow this time, fighting down a blush of laughter. "Father, you're cuckoo. This is June."  
Phoenix looks desperately at Jayden, eyes tearing up. "June! Only six more months 'til Christmas? Laurinda, what are we to DO! No money, no home, no dog, nobody to buy my salad dressing formula-" Phoenix is abruptly interrupted as a female stalks on, fully clad in black with a fedora that has a black veil covering her face. She marches straight up to Phoenix, and, taking in a breath as if to tell the secrets of life and the whole truth to the world's creation, she says, "Ah!" Then abruptly marches off.  
"That woman AGAIN!" Snarls Phoenix, as Jayden tilts her head. "Who Is she, Father? That's the fourteenth time she's come here and said, 'Ah!'"  
Phoenix smirks for a moment, responding, "Gal, thar's gold in them hills.." Before quickly shaking it off, both in character and out of. "No, that was last night. I mean, erm... She must be a woman of mystery!" he struck a pose, before sighing. "But I must go, daughter, or my name isn't Augustus Kerplunk! More salad dressing must be mixed before the villain steals the vinegar!" Phoenix begins to walk off, before seeming to realize the error in this and catching himself, shambling off with his cane in use as he disappears.  
Jayden clasps her hands together in despair, sobbing and collapsing to her knees. "Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! Father, dear Father, his knee joints squeak! My hero does not come to me, and Ma is in Europe! Woe is me, and what a mess I turns out to be." She sobs again, hanging her head, as Bastor approaches in what you'd expect of a cartoon villain. Black outfit, black top hat, and now with a devil's beard and moustache instead of his goatee, twisting his moustache around on his forefinger. "Ah, me proud and haughty beauty, either marry me or give me the salad dressing formula!" (Noire cast him as this part because of how close it was to his real personality, as is obvious. )  
Jayden immediately springs up, glaring him down - if she wasn't barely to his hip, at least. "Never, _Jack Dalton_! Only over my dead body will you get father's salad dressing!" She cries heroically, pointing an accusing finger at him. He seems unconcerned, merely grinning maliciously and leaning down so he can speak to her face. "Then at twelve tonight you loose the old home, including the oil stove!" He lets out a maniacal laugh, pointing at the stove with villainous glee.  
Jayden gasps, before glaring. "Jack Dalton, you shall due the ray!...Wait, day the...dew...rue the DAY! That you threatened me thusly. For years father has laboured night and day to perfect his salad dressing! For years we have been unable to pay on the mortgage, and no...now when success is within his reach you foreclose on the old home!" Suddenly she drops to her knee, clinging to Bastor's ankle, earning a confused blink from the villain. "Please, Mr. Dalton! Only a few more days and we shall have millions...thousands...maybe hundreds!" She clings tighter to his leg, sobbing pleadingly.  
"Curses!" Snarls Bastor after a few moments of watching the wigged raven-haired. She looks up, asking, "Did you speak?"  
"No...I sneezed." He replies. "Very well, beautiful one. I'll wait one week." He tells her, like a father to their child. She immediately springs up, clapping her hands. "Oh, goody! I'll tell Father!" She races off to do just that, as Bastor twists his moustache and laughs evilly again. "The little fool! Little does she know I had a purpose in mind! I have only given them more time so that I may have more opportunity to steal the formula!" He pauses, looking somewhat upset. "But I do wish it was cheese instead." He returns to his evilness. "Curses!...but I must not curse. Things are coming my way." More evil laughter. " When the formula is in my hands, I will tie the old man to yonder railroad track, he gestures out far off. "Steal the girl, and be off!" Another evil laugh is given as he walks off.

Noire: Phew, scene one finished.  
Jayden: Little? LITTLE! I'll SHOW YOU LITTLE! lunges at Bastor  
Bastor: Gyah! ducks behind a pile up of barrels labelled, 'This is a forest.'  
Jayden: Pauses What the...?  
Bastor:...I know what's wrong with this. crosses out 'is' and replaces it with 'was' Ah, all better.  
Jayden: shakes her head

The setting is now within a small home, presumably the inside of the one in scene one. Phoenix sits in one chair, a piece of rolled up paper in his hand, and Jayden is sitting nearby. Phoenix looks ecstatic. "It is such heartening news, daughter! Another whole week!" He gestures to the paper in his hand. "By that time I shall sell this formula for several millions of dollars and fifty cents and be able to save the old woman! I mean...the old home." Looks a bit upset again. "I hope Ma comes back from Europe...Laurinda, the villain is a good man, isn't he? Perhaps, after all, you should marry him." There's mutters offstage about Phoenix mixing up what he wants to do with Jayden, which are also promptly ignored. Jayden is swift to stand, crossing her arms with a scowl and turning away from Phoenix. "Never, father, except over your dead body."  
Phoenix pauses, looking thoughtful. "I hope I never live to see my dead body...I always get that line wrong. Jack Dalton is rich, and handsome..." Still more mutters from offstage, a frying pan flung towards it via Jayden's good aim. The laughing desists.  
"Never!" Jayden continues as if she never stopped or threw something. "Never, not even if I live till I die...never! I love the hero of this show, Bartholomew," Another dreamy look, "Wow. He is a manly men of man...menly min of mon...manly men...Well anyways, he is!" She crosses her arms over again to reassert herself. "I shall love no one but him."  
"But my salad dressing?" Phoenix asks.  
"With or without ,I shall marry him! He is the idol of my heart.." Her arms uncross, Jayden looking dreamy again.  
"He's been idle ever since you knew him." Phoenix grumbles in response.  
"Father, he has no peer!" Jayden cries, looking to him, still in awe of her hero.  
"Not even a peer of socks." The other snorts.  
Suddenly, in rides Sebastian on a bike, also wearing lighter clothing and having suffered the fearsome hair dye, now a red head as he topples off the bike he's obviously never rode before. Father and daughter go outside to see him. "Am i on time?" He asks, as Phoenix glares at him.  
"No. Supper is already et."  
"Et?" Sebastian asks, scratching his head. "What does that mean?"  
"Just...go along with it." Phoenix comments, confused about it himself. Sebastian shrugs, before sobbing harshly, pulling out a handkerchief and dabbing at his eyes. "Supper is all gone! Oh, my goodness! Now I've got to spend my own nickel for a hamburger." He turns sadly, still crying. "Good...goodbye, my love! No eats...no stay!"  
As he's leaving, Jayden rushes over, grasping his arm to turn him. "Batholomew, wait! In a few days father will sell his saddle dressing...I mean draddle sessing... Anyway, when we get the millions, I'll give you a nickel!" He smiles joyously down at her, taking her into a hug. "Oh, bliss! My sweetheart! A whole nickel!" While the two are cuddling, Phoenix snarls warningly. "Daughter, unhand him at once! He is naught but nix!" (Mutterings about characters getting confused and Phoenix being 'Nix' can be heard off stage.) "You shall marry no one but the villain, Jack Dalton! he's the baby with the dough."  
Sebastian takes a bravado pose, stepping away from Jayden. "Sir, he may have the dough, but I can loaf as much as he. I am college bred!"  
"and only half-baked!" Snarls Phoenix. "Be gone from my sight!"  
Jayden, who had been staring dreamily at Sebastian, grumbled towards Phoenix, "Father, oh Father, come home with me now...I mean, do not hinder our betrothal."  
Phoenix still glares at Sebastian, pointing off to the right. "Go! Never darken my eyes again!"  
Sebastian, scared off the livid looking elder vampire, is all half bowing and subservience. "Very well, sir. As you say, sir. I will go, sir. You have forced me to go." he raises a finger. "But I warn you, sir. I will get upon your house and cry till the roof leaks."  
"You do not frighten me, young man." Phoenix replies, going over and poking the other in his chest. "I have an umbrella!"

Suddenly, the mystery woman from before comes over, and, pointing at Phoenix, she says in a sepulchral voice, "Ah!"  
"Woman, who Are you?" Phoenix asks with clear annoyance, to which the exiting female turns and regards him. "I am Theodosia Tadpole."  
"I hope you turn into a frog and croak." he growls lightly, making fun of both her last name and the double meaning of, 'croak'.  
She walks up to him, swinging her hips and all, then pokes him in the nose. "Ah!" That said ,she turns and begins walking off, pausing as she stares steadily at him.  
"Me go now. Ugh!" Sebastian says, lifting his bicycle and getting on as the mystery woman jerks out her thumb over her shoulder in a hitch-hiking manner.  
"O.K." Sebastian says, as she tries to sit on the handlebars. They both tumble off, and she rises painfully, walking off. Sebastian shakes his head sadly, righting his bike and walking it off.  
Phoenix and Jayden watch the pair for a moment, before they both shake their heads, Phoenix turning to Jayden and telling her, "Now, dear daughter, we have until midnight to sleep, so you should retire to your bed."  
"Yes, Father, I need my beauty sleep..." Jayden yawns softly into her hand, before flicking some of her golden wig, blushing as it goes crooked and she has to right it.  
"And plenty of it." Phoenix comments with an amused little dark smirk, getting a glare from Jayden even if it Is in the script. "Go now. I will soon retire myself, as soon as I hide this formula in the old mill." he holds up the paper, before beginning to walk off towards the small shape in the distance. Bastor does the typical villain tip-toe towards him, smirking from behind a bush but not speaking.

"Good night, Father dear, don't let the bugbeds bite! And be sure you hide the formula well!" Jayden calls from the doorway. Phoenix turns. "Fear not, Laurinda. The formula shall be in yonder old mill! Go now, daughter, and rest in the arms of Morpheus."  
"I cannot never rest in nobody's arms save those of my dear, beloved Bartholemew Wow." Even now the last part gets a twinkle in her eye.  
"Daughter, if you refuse to give him up I will disinherit you." Phoenix warns. "You shall not be left one penny that I owe everybody."  
"My heart is sad..." Jayden responds, eyes watering up as she slips into the home and closes the door behind her.

Sebastian: Remind me never to ride a bike. rubbing sore leg  
Bastor: snickering  
Sebastian: Shut up!   
Bastor: curls his moustache I like this thing, you know...  
Sebastian: Then I'll shave it off after the play.   
Bastor: !  
Noire: Boys, boys! Cut it out, we have the last act to put on.  
Both: dejected sigh

The setting is now outside the old mill. Which is really just a large box about nine feet tall with the words, 'Old Mill' printed on it, and a stream around back of it you can't really glimpse, but can see a large wheel on the back of the 'old mill' hovering over, dipping under the crease in the two sides of land. It's starting to get rather dark, and a train track is nearby, with a few lamp posts about to give light to everything.  
"Now to hide the salad dressing formula in the old mill yonder. Ah, the old mill! It's wheel has turned and creaked for these many a year, and now within it's environs shall rest this valuable paper... the formula of my famous salad dressing!" Phoenix pressed the box up some, putting the paper under it, then looks about. Satisfied it's safe, he slips off, only to have Bastor sneak on a few seconds later. Bastor opens lamp posts, looks over the side of the land, talking as he goes, "At last the formula is mine. Soon shall be rolling in wealth, as once I rolled in the gutter." He walks over to the 'old mill'. "Curses! The old man has locked the key and thrown the door away! But Jack Dalton has never been foiled. Where there's a will, there's a Lawsuit." he looks about the box, scanning it, still speaking. "A villain must be a brainy cuss, and no barrier must be left unturned to procure yonder valuable document." He pauses, in deep thought as he twists his moustache, before, "Aha! I have it! I will enter the old mill!" He kicks the box over, stooping down and grasping up the paper. "At last!"  
Suddenly, Phoenix is in sight, walking over in his pyjamas.  
"Curses! The old buzzard is a sleep-walker!" Bastor curses.  
"I walk in the garden of beautiful flowers...I smell the attar of roses...Oh wait, no, that's just Bastor's perfume." A slight smirk, as Bastor growls, Noire calling offstage to 'Please try to keep with the script'. Albeit using far more colourful curses stringed into the request.  
"He has found me!" Bastor cries, getting right back into character, tripping Phoenix so the other smashes his shin against the edge of the box. Not quite what was meant to happen, but close enough for Bastor. "Where am I?" Phoenix asks, standing painfully and trying not to decapitate the other. "Jack Dalton, what are you doing here? My formula! You have stolen my salad dressing formula!" Phoenix holds out his hand, saying very childishly, "Gimme."  
Bastor issues another one of his villainous laughs, however. "Ha ha! Do you think that once I have this formula in my possession that I give it up so easily? No, no. I will bind you securely to yonder railroad track!" He points to the tracks mentioned near the beginning of the scene.  
"No, no!" Cried Phoenix in mock-despair, over-doing his character again, though Bastor plays right along. "Yes, yes!" he calls, in a mocking tone of Phoenix, removing a torn and mangled kite from his pocket and snapping the kite off of it, tying the string around Phoenix's wrists. "Now you are in my power!" He leads him over to the railroad track, kneeing him in his leg joint so he can knock him onto the tracks face down. "Now to gag him so he cannot utter an outcry. Oh where, oh, where can I find an old gag?  
"On the radio." Phoenix grumbled amusedly from his position, paling some as a train whistle is heard.  
"The fast mail approaches!" Bastor states, talking right over the other. "Soon, Augustus Kerplunk, you will be naught but hamburger!"  
"And not an onion in sight." Mutters Phoenix. "What a way to end it all!" He frowns, shifting on the tracks.  
Another evil laugh is given from Bastor, who looks quite pleased with himself. "Now to steal your beautiful daughter and get away before the train does it's work!"  
Phoenix is barely heard over the sound of the tracks rumbling, and with Bastor's boot on his back. "Help! Help!"  
Bastor stoops down, pulling a cigar from his front pocket. "My last election cigar. Now you cannot cry for help!" He presses it into Phoenix's mouth, looking to the left where Jayden comes running from, the train sounding again but much closer. "Father! father! Where are you?" She sees Phoenix Phoenix and cries out in loud shock. "Father! You're on the track! The train approaches o'er yonder hill and is coming this way at sixty miles an hour!" She begins shrieking. "Help! Help!"  
"Silence, you vixen!" Bastor snarls, quickly leaping over and wrapping a hand about her mouth, the other about her waist to lift her off the ground and keep her somewhat even with himself.  
Suddenly, in sight comes Sebastian, panting and sweating as he rides his bike at full speed, tumbling off of it and rising painfully. "Oh, my goodness, gracious me. Is something wrong?"  
Jayden struggles against Bastor, getting her mouth free long enough to yell to her hero, "Bartholomew! Stop the train! The mail fast approaches at sixty miles an hour, and Father is securely tied to the track in the path of the train!"  
Sebastian quickly whips out a red bandana, waving it near the train track and posing heroically. "Stop, train! Stop at once!" The train comes into sight, breaks hissing and steam blowing as the train comes to a stop, only a few feet away from Phoenix.  
"Curses! But I am not yet tin-foiled..." Bastor growls, looking about. "I have the formula!" He moves to run off to the right, though pauses when he sees Sebastian's hand in his pocket, bulged and appearing to have a revolver within it. "Stop, I say, Jack Dalton! Desist and halt!" He yells to the other. "Curses!" Bastor snarls, raising his hands and stopping with a sigh.  
The mystery woman comes on, snatching the formula from Bastor's hand as Sebastian takes a banana out of his pocket to eat. "Ah!" She suddenly states, pointing a finger at Bastor.  
"Another ah!" Jayden comments, who up until this time had been relatively unnoticed, wiping her knees that had grass stains from when Bastor dropped her to try and run.  
"Ah, jack Dalton, your time has come. Five hundred men from Scotland Yard have surrounded this old farm and you cannot escape." It's almost remiscent of the time Seleste, Phoenix, Solaris and Terra teamed up to kill Bastor, but not quite.  
"Scotland Yard?" Bastor asks, his eyes widening some. Just like they had when he found out she brought Phoenix along that one time.  
"Yes, Scotland Yard, F.O.B. England. They have traced you here for stealing the House of Parliament. You cannot escape." Now it's obvious who's playing this female's part, as she quotes the words from that time even, causing even Bastor to get a shudder down his back. he quickly keeps up character, though. "They shall never capture me alive!" He looks about quickly. "I will leap into the old mill stream!" He quickly makes jump towards where the stream was, though the sound of someone hitting a hard ground and letting out a cry of pain sounds instead. "The old mill stream is frozen over and I've broken my neck...I am...dying. Forgive me, all." He makes over-dramatic dying noises, twitching about on the thick ice, before stilling and being dead. How someone could squirm about with a broken neck is a mystery that still plagues people today.  
Jayden glances over the side, making a face. "he's a goner for sure. Or at least for the next hour."  
Phoenix shaking his head, chewing the cigar about in his mouth so he can ask Seleste, "Woman, who are you?"  
Seleste looks over, removing her veil and revealing her long silver hair and done-up face. "Look!"  
"Ma!" Phoenix cries happily. "Mother!" Jayden calls contently.  
"Both right. My commission for selling tractors in Europe amounted to twenty two million dollars and sixteen cents. I came back to surprise you. I find you in trouble. I came over with Scotland Yard and brought them here to capture the villain."  
Jayden smiles happily at Seleste. "My hero!" Then she turns to Sebastian, who is tossing away his banana peel, embracing him tightly as she flings herself at him. "My hero!"  
"Aw, it wasn't nothin'. I only done my duty." Sebastian replies, blushing sheepishly. The train whistles extremely insistently, as Seleste looks over to Phoenix. "Pa, get off the track the train's coming."  
"Maybe I'd better." Phoenix comments, before snapping the string on his wrists and standing. Everyone takes a deep bow, and the screen fades to black.

Noire: See? that wasn't so bad.  
Sebastian: Yeah right. You probably pumped that banana full of arsenic.   
Noire: No that was Bastor's job.  
Sebastian: What!  
Noire: Nothing . Thank you everyone for reading, and please review. knocks hysterical Sebastian out with too-large frying pan

End


End file.
